The Roommate Conundrum
Written by Darrell Fraize for AKOT Newsletter in 2020
Parents, professionals, and emerging adults often envision that the benefits of having a roommate far outweigh the costs. In many cases, this can be true. Any number of us might have fond memories of times we have shared with former (and current) roommates. We might lose sight of the natural occurrences of conflict that arise when living with someone. These issues can be significantly enhanced during a pandemic, divided political times, and recession.
Research1 tells us that mental health issues are being exacerbated in the US by the challenging conditions of 2020 (one in three adults meets the criteria for a diagnosable mental illness, and those folks with pre-existing struggles are experiencing heightened symptoms and features.) Romanticized notions of “the ideal roommate” compel us to believe in some ways that cohabitating will ultimately be a better situation for preventing lapses back into unhealthy patterns. But relying on roommates to serve as alarm clocks, cleaning services, social event coordinators, emotional supports, and surrogate parents/siblings/best friends may be at least a stretch and, at most, contraindicated. As parents, we hope having a happy roommate will help our kids be happy. Research suggests that this, unfortunately, is not necessarily the case.
The adult world requires us to motivate ourselves to get out of bed and meet our deadlines.
The adult world reinforces the connection between an organized space and an organized life.
The adult world requires us to take independent social risks to establish relationships and fulfill our desires for deeper and more meaningful connections with others.
The adult world requires us to think and cope on our feet, in real-time, inside our soundproof skulls, and frequently on our own.
The adult world reinforces the notion that appropriate boundaries with family and friends help us to achieve a more balanced and sustainable existence.
As a parent raising and professional serving Gen-Z, I have read and heard the reports from emerging adults themselves that they have been “overmanaged”4 by caregivers and thus struggle to manage interpersonal conflict. Yes, sometimes it is prudent and necessary to take a fully immersive approach and proverbially throw young people into the deep end of group living environments. Sometimes, like in college, this can be a natural transition. In some cases, however, having the opportunity to have strategic exposure to varied and socially rich communities and then a restorative space to recharge away from the needs, wants, and conflicts of others can be equally as valuable.
Having a great roommate is excellent. Having a not-great roommate can be overwhelming and debilitating.
Living with a roommate can be supportive. Living with a roommate can also be stunting (contributing to an over-reliance and dependence on others.)
Living with a roommate can be socially enriching. Living with a roommate can be socially isolating without a strong connection or compatibility among friend groups.
Having a roommate with shared goals and values can be stimulating and rewarding. Having a roommate with different goals and values can be stressful and conflict-riddled.
Our approach has been to support each Member’s decisions about their living situation. While trying to remain neutral on this point, our experience at Onward has shown us that the overwhelming majority of our Members have relished having their own space to temporarily retreat to before venturing back into the world and accomplishing their goals. Sharing space with other emerging adults tends to result in conflicts over communal living areas, who are welcomed in and when, and how personal property is shared and respected. With a full plate of emotional growth and living skill advancement, adding a roommate to a Member’s initial course of treatment with Onward may present more challenges than solutions.
Darrell Fraize, M.Ed., LCPC, LADC
Co-Founder and Lead Clinician
References:
2http://www-personal.umich.edu/~daneis/papers/MHcontagion.pdf
3http://www.dpi-proceedings.com/index.php/dtssehs/article/view/19407
4https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs10826-016-0614-